O captive daughter of Zion

Recorded recently in my journal:

“...I’ve been thinking a lot about the leaders in our stake and ward and the things I’ve heard and been told in relation to church attendance, or temple attendance. A common theme, I’ve realized, is the necessity of the church in providing what we need for salvation and the implication that it can’t come in other ways. When I told ___ and ___ a while back that I’ve at least been watching sacrament meeting on Zoom, they both said it’s not the same, implying that I need to be there in person with others to get the most out of it. They both said that this is the only way I can have the sacrament. ___ said in my 2-hour interview last August (2023) that the church is needed to provide opportunities to serve and sacrifice. He also said there are leaders that can reach our kids in ways that we might not be able to. Both ___ and ___ have either implied or said outright that there is spiritual power we can obtain in the temple that we can’t obtain outside. I remember believing that there would never be a time where I’d be closer to the Lord than on my mission. All of this has the same implied or explicit message that there are things we need for our progress and salvation that can only be found in the LDS church.

“...I wanted to continue, briefly, with what I was saying in my last entry. Because of this, we are held in bondage to our false religions. We become the ‘captives’ spoken of by Isaiah. This can be literal, in the sense of oppressive governments, as the children of Israel were in bondage in Egypt. But more generally, and more particularly, I think this would refer to being kept in spiritual bondage to false traditions and religions. Many would go out of the bondage of the false Mormonism of the LDS church. But, the LDS church tells its members ‘you need me.’ ‘Don’t you dare step outside of that old ship Zion, for you will only drown and perish.’ This is what I’m being told by ___ and ___ …”

Adding to my journal entry these words from Isaiah:

“Therefore, hear now this, thou afflicted, and drunken and not with wine. Thus saith thy Lord — the Lord and thy God pleadeth the cause of his people: Behold, I have taken out of thine hand the cup of trembling, the dregs of the cup of my fury; thou shalt no more drink it again. But I will put it into the hand of them that afflict thee, who have said to thy soul, Bow down that we may go over — and thou hast laid thy body as the ground and as the street to them that went over. Awake, awake, put on thy strength, O Zion. Put on thy beautiful garments, O Jerusalem, the holy city. For henceforth there shall no more come into thee the uncircumcised and the unclean. Shake thyself from the dust. Arise, sit down, O Jerusalem. Loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion.”

With righteousness shall he judge the poor

To someone close to me:

…I want to be honest and let you know there’s a good chance I won’t be inside the temple with you…. there is nothing in my life right now (or from decades past, for that matter) that I believe makes me unworthy before God.

But, it’s more than just my worthiness that I want you to know about. I want you to know that I believe firmly in the restored gospel, the Book of Mormon (and other scriptures from Joseph Smith), and that God called Joseph Smith to do a work. I believe his name has been had for good and evil, as the angel told him it would be, or in other words falsehoods have been spoken of him. The loss of Joseph Smith has been devastating, yet we have picked up the pieces and done the best we could under the circumstances. I consider myself as Mormon as the Mormoniest Mormon. But, what that means in my current worship looks different from others. And that difference is enough to keep me outside of the temple for now.

I was told I need to return to in-person church attendance and also have a calling to have my recommend renewed. For reasons still becoming clear to me, I feel the current arrangement is best for our family. The default, conventional “wisdom” in the church is we should always accept a calling. For the record, I haven’t actually had a calling extended to me that I had the opportunity to decline. But, if one were extended to me, I’d have to make it a matter of careful and thoughtful prayer. I don’t take it as given that what’s in the minds of our leaders is necessarily what’s in the mind and heart of the Lord for me. I don’t think anyone should ever take that as a given.

…I want the two of you to stand independent as the head of your family, without “...control or dominion or compulsion… in any degree of unrighteousness…” (D&C 121) from external influences, whether church, friends, or extended family. What that looks like for you … may be different from … me, and from other people…. I want the two of you to pursue your worship in exactly the way you feel led by the spirit, and not be influenced by me unless, of course, you ever hear something from me that rings true in your heart.

It might seem paradoxical, but I believe it’s possible for two people to both be following the spirit while outwardly pursuing worship in seemingly different ways. Fortunately, for my sake, “...the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) In other words, God can see two things that outwardly appear dissimilar and yet see they are either both worthy, or both unworthy. Likewise, He can see two things that outwardly appear the same, but know one is worthy and the other is not. This is what makes him God. When we meet the Lord, we will marvel over this aspect of Him, and perhaps even shrink as we acknowledge how very far we have been at times from his heart.

The following seems to speak of someone other than the Lord, but there can be no doubt the Lord himself is possessor of these attributes – and thanks be to God that He, and not man, is the judge of our hearts:

“And there shall come forth a rod out of the stem of Jesse, and a Branch shall grow out of his roots: And the spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord; And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the Lord: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth: and he shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked. And righteousness shall be the girdle of his loins, and faithfulness the girdle of his reins.” (Isaiah 11:1-5)

…I believe the things we participate in and learn in the temple help point our minds to specific events and experiences in our life where the Lord touched us and captured our hearts. Initially it’s faint, but as we recognize that faint clasp, we begin to say within ourselves, I believe this came from God. So, we continue in the path, exercising faith, and experimenting on the things we have studied or been taught. As we persist in faith and “as the tree beginneth to grow“, we “nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up...” (Alma 32). The nature of our experiences with God becomes ever more sure. What was initially a light clasp becomes, in time, a firm grip and eventually an embrace through the veil.

This is how the Lord captures our hearts and redeems us or, in other words, brings us into his presence (Ether 3). This begins by entering into the path and obtaining the holy ghost, which will teach us all things and show us all things that we should do (2 Nep 32). This is “the doctrine of Christ, and there will be no more doctrine given until after he [the Lord] shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh. And when he shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh, the things which he shall say unto you shall ye observe to do.” This process was never intended to be mediated or controlled by men: “Behold, the way for man is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate; for he cannot be deceived, for the Lord God is his name.” (2 Nephi 9)

This church has provided me with my first lessons in spiritual things. God has made use of the ordinances of this church to help me in my spiritual journey. Through my mission and other means since then, the Lord has captured my heart. His Word is, in me, as the rod of iron leading to the tree of life where I have partaken, in some small measure, of the sweetness of His saving grace (1 Nephi 11). As the Lord promised the Samaritan woman, His word has been in me “...a well of water springing up into everlasting life.” (John 4:14) How can I ever abandon Him? I can’t. My heart is bound to Him. He’s done far too much for me. He’s been my light in the wilderness (1 Nephi 17:13-14).

You … are pursuing a good path. I love you both and pray for the spirit to continue to be with you and guide you. You have every reason to be optimistic about the future and your life together, as long as you stay close to the Lord and hear his voice.