Becoming One

There’s a series of posts I want to publish – an explanation of sorts for what I’ve been writing here in recent months. I’ve made this blog known to some friends and family. It’s appropriate – perhaps even charitable – for me to at least explain where this is all coming from.

The covid shutdown was something of a golden period, speaking strictly for myself. I want to acknowledge and be sensitive to the fact that it was also extremely trying for many other people. Before the shutdown, I had started a new job on January 2, 2020 that had me commuting about an hour each way. Two months later, the shutdown happened and I’ve been working from home ever since. I was at that job until October 2021 and my next job was fully remote.

I loved being able to work from home in a comfortable environment. My youngest son became my “office mate” and I liked having him with me and being able to see my kids during the day. Fortunately, we had enough space in the house to spread out, other than having my youngest in the same room with me.

When the quarantine was lifted and people slowly started going back to in-person work and venturing out to other public places, I had to make a decision about returning to in-person church. We have other health issues in our family and it initially made sense for us to be cautious about returning. But, even as this gradually became less of a concern, I found myself not wanting to go back. I had enjoyed the freedom of spending time with my family and studying the gospel and worshipping on my own.

So, I never went back.

I still attend sacrament meeting remotely via Zoom and I enjoy listening to talks and testimonies. Besides that, I do my own study and fellowshipping with my own family. All of this provides essential context for the experience I described in 2023-08-10: My sole desire and which took place on August 6, four days before that post.

On that Sunday, I had a 2-hour interview with my bishop. I had gone in for a temple recommend interview and what happened instead is what’s described in the post linked above. Here’s an excerpt from that post:

“...At this moment, when it was clear I wouldn’t be getting a recommend (at least no time soon) something happened inside me that I’m sure was the exact opposite of what the Bishop was aiming for. There was an almost tangible, concrete feeling in me of complete and utter acceptance that I might not be attending [a significant family event that would possibly be happening during the Spring of next year]. Together with this feeling was a sudden and complete absence of desire to come back to in-person church.

“I’ve spent the few days since my interview trying to put my finger on what I felt at this moment and why I felt it. I think some part of me knows to a certain degree, but it’s been hard to put into words as I’ve been processing with my wife. I was going to give it a go right now, but I think I’m still trying to put it together.

“At some point, perhaps more than once, the Bishop said there are people he wished could have been there to hear some of the things I said. He said there are people struggling in the ward that I could, perhaps, help if I were to come back. For a moment, this thought dislodged the feeling I described above about not wanting to come back. He had struck something I’d felt so many times before. I do want to talk to people whose belief in God is waning, particularly because of issues surrounding the church.

“But, my excitement was fleeting, because I know that our bottom lines are different. The Bishop’s bottom line is to get people back to church. My sole desire is for God to be able to capture these people’s hearts and for them to feel close to him, regardless of where they end up going.”

Five months later, I feel I have a better grasp of what I was feeling that day. It may seem paradoxical, but I think the things that need to be said to comfort members struggling with “church issues” are things that one likely can’t say if they want to hold a temple recommend in the LDS church. This is the first of a series of posts in which I share what I’d like to be able to tell struggling church members. I will leave it up to the powers that be to decide whether I can believe these things and also hold a recommend.