Gone Warm Body

Recently written to a close friend: “…know that you have a listening ear with me and I definitely won’t judge. I can tell you that my soul is tired. And just hearing about your… calling is giving me feelings bordering on PTSD. I more or less went ‘delinquent’ (in my mind) about 7 years ago. Pretty much went warm body mode in my callings and underperformed and undercommitted to things to such an extent that leadership probably started getting the message. One of the greatest moments for me was probably when they extended the calling of nursery worker. I think they were almost anticipating that I would turn it down, but I had the biggest smile (if not on the outside, at least on the inside) when I accepted the calling. I honestly just wanted a ‘hiding place’ in the church. I never want to go back to a leadership or administrative calling again. And I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of callings at this point that I would say no to….

“So, if it helps, know that you can unload things on me as much or as little as you feel inclined. I think I can say that I know that feeling of discombobulation when grappling with the questions of ‘am I doing enough’ or ‘what’s essential and what’s not?’ Even if I don’t have any particular wisdom to share in this regard, I think it can be healing, comforting, reassuring, etc just knowing that you’re not alone. I feel like I’ve been on this journey for the last 7 years or so, and I’m still looking for answers. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it is I need to be doing, what my family needs to be doing. I don’t think God is disappointed with me. I think God knows the plight of the introvert in the LDS church. I don’t think we all need to be heroes. I don’t think we all need to be superstars. I do think there needs to be more empathy, more vulnerability, more honesty, more baring our souls. I think there needs to be less guardedness, less fear of being inadequate, or not measuring up. I feel like we’re kind of groomed for stardom in the church, groomed to stand out, be bold, to catch the eyes of the world. All of that has just made me tired. That’s why I’ve gone warm body in the church. The race to measure up really started for me during my mission. And, frankly, it burnt me out. It surprises me I kept up the race for 15 more years. Then I cried ‘uncle‘.”