Crumbs from the Master’s table

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Most of what I write and post, I return to and read and reread. I’m continually reevaluating thoughts and ideas to decide if anything in my perspective has changed since I first wrote them. I find myself reading from the perspective of specific friends, family members, church acquaintances, and others. The result is that I’m ever mindful of how what I write might impact other people, for better or worse.

This has led me at times to make some public posts private until I’ve had more time to evaluate what I wrote. The following is something I originally posted in December of 2016, later made private, reposted in 2018, and again made private. Having recently returned to this post, I’ve decided to re-post. It was originally composed as a preface to what was already published on my blog between September and December of 2016. I’ve decided that nothing expressed in this has changed for me in the 7 years since I first posted it. It has, in this sense, been timeless for me and it’s as fresh and reflective of my mind as it was in 2016.

Note that some of the links in the text below are to posts I have made private. I’ll need more time to decide if I want to make them public. In some cases, the same material has essentially been covered in more recent posts and in a way that I feel better about.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote in December 2016:

It’s with a mixture of eagerness and resignation that I’ve written this blog. Eagerness, because my soul has been unsettled at not being able to express what I believe within the religious community I’ve grown up in. Resignation, because I know that a completely honest telling of what I believe and how I’ve arrived at it will likely be offensive to many active, faithful members of the LDS church. I believe in Mormonism, but not in the way it’s currently taught. This blog is an expression of what I personally believe. While the following statement (from 2016-09-13: Starting Point) falls short of explaining everything, it is at the heart of it:

I believe that God spoke to Joseph Smith and called him to an important work. This included, in part, translating the Book of Mormon, but it was meant to involve more than that. I believe he was taken prematurely and we’re left to cobble together the remnants of Mormonism that he left behind. I’m unsure that any of his successors, as good and sincere as they may have been, were up to the task. I believe he knew far more than he was able to convey to those that ultimately attempted to carry on what he was doing. He had more contact with heaven and saw further than any of his contemporaries. His death was a great loss. I think he spoke in the name of the Lord….

Regardless of what happens as a result of writing this blog, I would like to stay involved in the religious community I was raised in. I have no intention of sharing any of the out-of-mainstream aspects of this blog in Gospel doctrine class, priesthood quorum or talks or testimonies in sacrament meeting. Aside from the fact that I simply do not have the gall to broach touchy subjects in church, I don’t think it would accomplish anything worthwhile. There is far too much I have in common with my Mormon community to drive such wedges between us during our worship and fellowship services.

For an expression of my witness of the Book of Mormon, the divine calling of Joseph Smith and the manner in which the Lord is willing to communicate with us and be our light in the wilderness, see the following post: 2016-12-04: In that Bell. This is a summary of a recent lesson I gave in the high priests group in my ward. I was somewhat emotional as I shared my thoughts. I told the group that I had no explanation for why I was so emotional. In reality, though, I had to wonder if it had anything to do with concerns that making this blog public could impact my status in the church. In any case, I had a handful of people come and shake my hand afterward. One of them (one of my favorite people in the ward) said with a smile “I see a future general authority“. I assured him that I was not made for that sort of thing. Specifically, I said “I could never be a workhorse for the church.” We both had a good laugh about that. This person could not have known how much this reply was loaded with meaning beyond what I expressed in words.

I’m tired. I’m absolutely so tired in my soul. As I said in an email to a friend (see 2016-11-17: An Experiment) about a year and a half ago, “...Much of my experience as a member of the church has been uncomfortable...”. I don’t want to be a leader. I have no motivation whatsoever to be a superstar in the church (and trust me, I don’t have what it takes anyway). I don’t want to follow a regimented program. All I want is to take care of my family and gather together informally with friends and fellow ward members (or really, anyone with an interest) and talk freely and openly about what ails us. All I want is to talk about the Gospel and bear my own witness of a loving, patient and personal God. As I expressed in a Facebook group (see 2016-09-30: Living Water): “...I think the pearl of great price at the core of the Gospel and the plan of happiness is the promise of a personal relationship with God that is unencumbered by man’s innovations. There is One who is far more forgiving and patient and meek (than those we pledge our devotions to) that we should feel after and call upon and plead with to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. As we cleave to Him, then we increase in light and it’s his light that transforms us, not a mere man or institution…”.

I have my favorite General Conference talks just like anyone else (for a few off the top of my head, see for example Acquiring Spiritual Knowledge, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ—Plain and Precious Things, Good, Better, Best, Preparations for the Restoration and the Second Coming: “My Hand Shall Be over Thee”, The Healing Power of Forgiveness and Forgiveness). But I have no desire to talk about anyone but the Lord, who has always been good to me. As I said in a fairly recent fast and testimony meeting, there is no person that impresses and inspires me more that Jesus Christ. If you read nothing but one post on this blog, please read this one: 2016-12-11: The Lord’s Deliverance. I will be content.

If you have any interest to read further than that, I will attempt to provide here an overview of the blog. The first several posts provide some background about my “spiritual journey”. Having been quite diligent in recording events in my life, personal reflections, insights and impressions in journals and notebooks over the last 20 years and also having read and re-read many times through the things I’ve written, I feel like I’ve gotten a pretty good view of the “landscape” of this journey. And it’s clear to me that I’ve had three major “revolutions” in my religious belief (see 2016-09-14: Three Revolutions). The first was my mission from 1995 to 1997 (see 2016-09-15: Chambery) and the second was my graduate school experience from 2003 to 2009 (see 2016-09-16: Qualifying Exam, 2016-09-19: Wilderness, 2016-09-20: Sure Provisions and 2016-10-17: A Parable).

The third “revolution” in my religious views had its initiating event in April 2012. But foundations had been laid for it during graduate school, as described here: 2016-10-18: Vacuum of Understanding. This is where things became more complicated as it concerns my relationship with the tradition within which I was raised. While I wrote some preliminary thoughts in 2016-10-29: Third Revolution, the real substance of what happened from April to September 2012 is described in the following posts: 2016-10-29: New Light, 2016-10-30: True Messengers and 2016-10-30: Unlikely Teacher. Not long after, I had an interesting dream on January 8, 2013, the likes of which I haven’t had, either before or since. As I wrote in 2016-11-06: A Dream, “...I never have had this sort of a dream. Almost always my dreams are disorganized & disjointed with random scenes, whereas this one had a clear beginning, a clear end, a logical progression in between and seemed to be sober (not the right word, but can’t think of a better) with meaning & significance throughout...”. An interpretation is given in 2016-11-06: Our Condition and some related reflections on the LDS church can be found here: 2016-11-06: All is Well.

While this dream was not a basis for my changing views during this time, it did recast general impressions I was having into concrete symbols that added definition to what I felt like I was already starting to see. The basic elements of the dream provide a succinct description of how I’ve come to view the LDS church in its present state and our condition and circumstances as a people. Particularly noteworthy are (1) the old-style ballroom, (2) the connected, modern portion of the building that was completely incongruous in appearance and (3) the mournful, orphaned child. I’m increasingly convinced that the religion of Joseph Smith, represented by the old-style ballroom, did not survive the 30-year presidency of Brigham Young (see 2016-11-22: God’s Family). What we have inherited, represented by the modern portion of the building, is a derivative of what the church became during these 30 years following Joseph’s death. As for the orphaned child, refer to 2016-12-11: Nauvoo Failure and 2016-12-14: Orphans for a suggestion of what this might represent.

I try not to take myself too seriously. When I read the scriptures, I don’t do it to make me feel good about myself. I do it to learn what God is like, to learn something about what’s in his mind and heart, to see how he has intervened through the ages in the affairs of humankind. I read to learn something about what he aims to do in our day. This is what I care about. I am as the woman of Canaan who came to the Lord saying: “Have mercy on me, O Lord, thou Son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil.” The Lord, who said to his disciples “...I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel“, told the woman when she came and “...worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me“: “It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it to dogs.” And then the woman made this absolutely remarkable reply: “Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.” Then the Lord said: “O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.” (see Matthew 15:22-28)

My feeling is exactly the same as that expressed by this woman. I am satisfied to receive anything from the Lord, anything He will give me, even if it is only the crumbs which fall from the master’s table. I don’t need the scriptures to tell me I was destined for greatness. Elder Stevenson, in the October 2016 Saturday afternoon session of General Conference said the following, quoting from Mormon 8:

Interestingly, one of the Book of Mormon prophets, Moroni, saw our day – your day. He even saw you in vision many hundreds of years ago. Moroni wrote: “Behold, the Lord hath shown unto me great and marvelous things concerning that…day when these things…”, meaning the Book of Mormon, “…shall come forth among you. Behold, I speak unto you as if ye were present, and yet ye are not. But behold, Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing.“

I believe that Elder Stevenson is a good man and he spoke this from his heart. There was emotion in his voice as he quoted the last part: “Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing”. He intended it to be an expression of God’s love for us and evidence that the Lord has reserved us for this day to accomplish a great work for Him. But it seems to me that his sharing of this portion of Mormon 8 (considering what immediately follows the portion he quoted; see 2016-10-01: Context Matters) was inadvertently astute, even prophetic, in warning us about the follies of our people shown to Mormon and Moroni 1600 years ago. The Book of Mormon is not encouraging about the plight and failures that would be ours, meaning the “Gentiles” (see 2016-12-04: The Gentiles). Indeed, Nephi, Mormon and Moroni all saw our day and saw us as Elder Stevenson proclaimed. But they never mention our successes. They do not prophesy of a “one true” church or men in whom we could place our complete trust to never lead us astray and prevent our failure. Everything I’ve read in the Book of Mormon would suggest the opposite.

But none of this really matters at this point. We can look back on the last 170 years or so and see all of the evidence that we are a blessed and prosperous people continuing the work that the Lord began with Joseph Smith. In 2016-12-23: By their Fruits, I showed that we don’t even have to worry about the Lord’s warning about false prophets and his criterion for judging between true and false messengers (Matt. 7:15-20): “…Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.“

As I said in 2016-12-23: By their Fruits:

...a prophet in the LDS church is a prophet by virtue of the office that he holds and the sustaining vote of the members of the church. This essentially renders irrelevant what the Lord taught, at least in our dispensation. It also makes it impossible for the Lord to send a messenger from outside of the LDS hierarchy.

In the last several posts of this blog (as of the time of this writing), I have allowed myself to momentarily set aside many assumptions we have in the church and entertain the possibility that things are not so clear-cut. In 2016-12-24: Special Witnesses, I wrote:

The Lord came without credentials and without status or recognition based on worldly achievement. Prophets through the ages have come in the same manner. If it had been sufficient at the time of Christ to recognize a prophet or true messenger on the basis of their position in the church hierarchy of his day, he never would have given us a pattern for recognizing false prophets. I have chosen to resort to the pattern the Lord provided, rather than the pattern articulated by President Benson (see 2016-12-23: By their Fruits). The basis for my judgment includes the following: (1) the extent to which the writings or sermons of the individual reiterates and reinforces and expounds and explains previous revelation and scripture (as found in the Old and New Testaments, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price and teachings of Joseph Smith) and the extent to which this elaboration and expounding produces within my mind and spirit the effects that Alma described to the Zoramites (see Alma 32) and (2) the extent to which the individual can bear witness of the resurrected Lord on the basis of direct contact with Him and dreams or visions shown them as Nephi, for example, experienced (see 1 Nephi 11-15).

It is on this basis that I have written what I consider the culminating, central message of this blog described in the following posts:

In the last of these, from which I took the excerpt above, I also wrote the following:

Any fraud can come claiming he has seen or experienced some great thing. But if he comes with that claim, then he should be able to present to us the evidence and allow us to judge for ourselves whether these be the “fruits” of heaven or of hell. As to #1 listed above, I have already presented the following evidence upon which to base our judgment: 2016-10-30: Unlikely Teacher. As for #2 above, refer to the following posts: 2016-12-30: Gethsemane and 2016-12-30: The Resurrected Christ....

It seems to me that there are more and more people leaving the LDS church, believing that the whole thing has been a great deception. And I am slowly but surely resigning myself to the idea that there isn’t much we can do to turn the course of this river. However well-intentioned past and present leaders were/are, attempts at hiding history and presenting whitewashed, “palatable” versions of it have done irreversible damage. Now, if there is any truth to the claims of the LDS church, it is all just going out with the dirty bath water as people have become completely distrusting of the church and the men who lead it. In 2016-12-24: Special Witnesses, I wrote:

I lament how many people now leaving the church have finally concluded that the Book of Mormon is a work of fiction and Joseph Smith a fraud. I have to wonder if we did have leaders who had gazed into heaven as Joseph did, that they might have had the knowledge to expound upon the content of the Book of Mormon with power and sufficient persuasion to cause some of these people to reconsider their conclusions about this book. But alas, I have not seen this happen. As for me, despite my lack of understanding, my own study of the Book of Mormon convinced me that there was a greater message to be discovered and that finding it was only a matter of continuing my diligent study. Interestingly, this belief was vindicated not by the men who lead the LDS church, but by a man who came from outside of the hierarchy.

But it doesn’t matter. It’s time for me to get my Zen on and acquire a mind like water. I don’t control what I believe. I pursue truth and let things settle out the way they will. And I’ve come to consider a proposition (see 2016-12-17: Impossible Proposition) that is impossible to traditional and “transitioning” Mormons alike. But taking into consideration all things as to our history and also our scriptures, this is where I am right now.

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