Upon the handmaids

Someone asked, in an online discussion group I belong to, what we hope to hear in general conference this weekend. This was my contribution to that discussion:

“There has effectively been a tradition in the church of regarding our [your leaders’] revelation as holding more weight than your own. We declare that there is, in this, a fundamental misunderstanding of the gospel and what the Lord intends for each of us to do. That is, to become stewards of our own souls by first being baptized as commanded by the Lord and then receiving the holy ghost which will show unto you all things that you should do (2 Nep 32).

“While we have always had your best interest at heart, we recognize that an unquestioning acceptance of our direction and counsel has the effect of stifling spiritual progression. We want to reiterate the words of the angel to Joseph Smith in 1823 when he quoted Joel 2, saying ‘And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions: And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit.‘

“We renew the words of the angel to Joseph when he declared that these things would soon be. Rather, we would update these words to say that they are now upon us, being fulfilled as we speak. We likewise renew the words of Moses when he said: ‘…would God that all the Lord’s people were prophets, and that the Lord would put his spirit upon them.’ (Numbers 11:29) We want to remind all of you of what it says in our own doctrine and covenants, section 84 (verses 23-25), that Moses ‘sought diligently to sanctify his people that they might behold the face of God; But they hardened their hearts and could not endure his presence; therefore, the Lord in his wrath, for his anger was kindled against them, swore that they should not enter into his rest while in the wilderness, which rest is the fulness of his glory. Therefore, he took Moses out of their midst, and the Holy Priesthood also….’

“Joseph Smith sought to do the very same with us in the Nauvoo temple. In the final months of his life, in January 1844, he lamented that the Nauvoo temple was yet incomplete and that there was hardly time remaining while the seals were on the earth to complete the temple and go in and receive what the Lord was offering us. Tragically, he and Hyrum were taken out of our midst only 5 months later.

“We have been praying diligently over the last several months that God may yet offer us what he held in store to be given in the Nauvoo temple and that we may not be like the children of Israel in the wilderness when ‘they hardened their hearts and could not endure [the Lord’s] presence.’ We pray that we may yet enter into the rest of the Lord as a people, which rest is the fulness of his glory, or of his presence. Joseph and Hyrum were taken out of our midst, as Moses. But, we believe the blessings offered in 1841 (see D&C 124) are yet available to us now if we, as a people, will be humble before the Lord and seek diligently to behold his face. This we pray for with all energy of soul, on our own and on your behalf. We love you.“

Seeking the True Shepherd

I served my mission for the LDS church from 95 to 97 and it was the first time I had kept a consistent journal. It felt important to capture the experiences of that time. I often felt guilty that so much of my journals during that time was spent on self-reflection rather than people we were finding or teaching. But, I’m grateful I did record those internal happenings.

When I finished my mission, I was left feeling as though I had largely failed. Sure, I was in one of those so-called “difficult” missions and we rarely made it beyond the 1st or 2nd discussion, but I couldn’t help feeling that if I had been less focused on home and myself and more on the people I was teaching, that there would have been more “success”. So, I left my mission feeling like I would need to spend the rest of my life to make up for the shortfalls of my mission.

I also lamented, after my mission, that I would never be as close to the Lord as I was on my mission. I feel like this is what I had been told in so many words from various people in the church. This was crushing to me, because I wanted to always feel what I had felt on my mission. Indeed, up to that point, I had never felt so close to the Lord. So, in the wake of my mission, it was hard for me to go back to mission journals and think over the experiences I’d had – partly because I had actually been quite hard on myself as a missionary, but also because I felt like I had lost something I couldn’t fully get back.

Within a few months after my mission, I was back into the grind of school and I reveled in it. Whereas I had been a mediocre student before my mission, there was awakened in me an immense drive to learn, grow, and succeed in academic pursuits. During the years that followed, I changed majors multiple times, jockeying into something I felt I could do passionately for the rest of my working life. I ended up in graduate school at the University of Washington, utterly enthralled with the new experiences, exposures, and learning that came with being in liberal Seattle after years inside the bubble of Provo.

However, I still longed for something I felt I’d lost since my mission. In April of 2005, I was engrossed in a 5-week qualifying exam in my program where I had to write a mock research proposal. In the midst of this, I found myself writing pages and pages of ideas related to the research topic. But, mingled within this, I found myself having other impressions of a more spiritual nature. This culminated on April 19 with me writing out something that felt like impressions from the Lord addressed to me personally. It felt as though he was saying: “yes, I will show you these things, but there are things of far greater importance I wish to show you… this is how I have reached you or gotten your attention…. I have called you out of the wilderness and you have heard my voice.”

As precious as the experience felt to me, it cast everything into doubt and question concerning my academic pursuits. By April 30, 2005, still during the qualifying exam, I found myself struggling to know how to proceed on the exam. I wrote: “Why has my mind gone blank? Why when I have been shown so much am I suddenly struggling to receive more. Time grows short and still nothing seems to be coming to my mind anymore…. Now at this critical time, it seems as though the heavens have shut and I am left to wonder why…. The heavens are shut. What will cause them to open?“

In some personal reflections in 2016 about the turmoil of my mind during this qualifying exam experience of 2005, I wrote:

“If the Lord had been seeking to communicate with me, that was only a mirror of my own desire to draw closer to Him and regain some of what I felt I had lost since the end of my mission. Notwithstanding this, however, I still had to get this qualifying exam done and I needed help. Was He still going to help me with this? Or was this exam, my graduate program, all of this, expendable in His higher purposes? This tension between the temporal and practical matters of making my way in this world, professionally, and the higher, spiritual matters of coming to know God and do His will became a prominent theme of my graduate school experience.”

While the Lord delivered me at this time and helped me to pass my exam, this sentiment would return many times over the next few years as I struggled and languished in my program. I was filled with lofty, soaring ideas about the research I was doing only for it to be repeatedly cast into doubt as I wondered what were the Lord’s intentions and what were only my own vain ambitions. By the Spring of 2008, having spent so much time in graduate school at my family’s expense, I could sense the writing on the wall. I expressed it as follows in an email to a close friend:

“…I remember only about a month ago, walking out of the Phys-Astr library to go to upper campus. I had this very distinct sentimental feeling about the UW and the time I’ve spent here. To be honest, at the time I had the feeling that I would be leaving the UW in about a year whether it was with a degree or without. Time is growing dim for me like the end of a day and I feel like I need to take my family and move onto a new phase in our life. Whether the Lord is going to show me the finer points of a PhD dissertation that can be accomplished within a year, or I have to settle for a MS or no degree at all, it’s time to close this phase and move on to the next part. I’ve definitely been feeling sentimental too. Right now, I don’t feel any concern or regret about school. My mind has been more preoccupied lately with my family.“

Four months later, on August 1, 2008, my advisor announced he was leaving the University of Washington. My wife and I had just had our third child a month before. I hurried to finish up a masters thesis and defended in February 2009. Around this time, I had applied for a 1-year leave of absence from my program, still with the insane hope that I might be able to jump back in and finish what I had originally set out for. On March 23, 2009, I received notice that this petition had not been granted. This sealed it for me. My program was done.

Over the next 3 years, we picked up the pieces of this failure and the Lord was good to us in providing for our needs as we added one more child to our family in 2011 and then moved out east of Seattle where I had found a job. The Lord had brought me down low, but in his love and mercy and regard for my family, he took care of us.

During the 14 years or so since the end of my mission, while I had kept research notebooks and recorded spiritual impressions in those, I hadn’t actually kept a real journal, per se. It wasn’t until March 2012 that I began to keep a consistent journal and I’ve done so ever since. I think this was providential, because much would change within a month of resuming my journal writing. In an entry dated “2012 April 19-20 (Thurs-Fri)“, I wrote:

“…Need some rest, mentally. Very grateful for the last couple of days. Much on my mind. Seeking the quiet voice of the Lord to know what he thinks of what I’ve done w/my life. I want to receive from Him an evaluation of my life. I want to have a review. I want him to tell me concerning my life…. much on my mind. I want to help heal the suffering soul. I want to feel the pain of the suffering soul. I want to heal.”

In the very next entry, dated “2012 April 21-22 (Sat-Sun)“, I wrote:

“I feel like I’ve over-extended myself, my mind and soul. Too much reading this weekend…. This weekend was wonderful, but it was also intense mentally. I read so much. But I discovered the most intriguing person…. He has written some very insightful and profound stuff. But he’s also potentially dangerous. I emailed my parents about him Sat. night and emailed [a friend] about him last night. It’s time for me to withdraw from my reading for a time, to reground myself. I need the Lord to exercise his influence over me by the Holy Ghost to restore peace and balance to my soul. I’ve done too much (mentally) this weekend and over-extended my soul….”

Starting in August 2005, when President Hinckley issued his Book of Mormon “challenge” (to complete the Book of Mormon before the end of the year), I had renewed my dedication to studying the Book of Mormon. With this experience as a launch point, the Book of Mormon became integrated into every aspect of how I see the world and God’s hand in our lives. In time, I became preoccupied with portions of the Book of Mormon that I felt were only superficially discussed in our church curriculum. This included, among other chapters, 1 Nephi 11-15, Jacob 5, 2 Nephi 25-30 and 3 Nephi 16, 20-21.

I remember growing frustrated that I couldn’t find anything in the church curriculum that did justice to what I believed was a profound and all-encompassing chapter (Jacob 5) as it concerns the Lord’s doings among the people of the earth. So, I took to the internet in April 2012 to find commentaries on Jacob 5. That’s when I came across a blog with dozens of posts where the writer included verse-by-verse commentaries on several chapters of the Book of Mormon that he had accumulated over many years as a gospel doctrine teacher. I was blown away by this treasure trove, which covered not only the very chapters I had been so interested in, but also Alma 13, 2 Nephi 31-33, and 3 Nephi 11-18.

Before this, I had reasoned that perhaps our leaders did not expound on these chapters with the depth I felt they merited because we as a church were not prepared for this deeper understanding. The discovery of these blog posts on the Book of Mormon completely changed this for me. Another thing that completely changed my perspective was my discovery of a book called Passing the Heavenly Gift. Suddenly everything began to make sense to me. It wasn’t that our leaders had withheld from us their deeper understanding of the scriptures. It’s that they likely did not possess the deeper understanding that Joseph Smith possessed and which the world lost direct access to when the two prophets of this dispensation, Hyrum and Joseph, were martyred in June 1844.

Having just celebrated Easter, I want to pay the above tribute to the Lord who has been my light in the wilderness. Lehi, in his dream, followed a man enrobed in white for several hours but only remained in a “dark and dreary waste.” When he finally knelt in the darkness and began to pray to the Lord that He would have mercy on him, only then did the darkness disperse and Lehi beheld the tree of life.

As Peter wrote: “…sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear…” This is the purpose of this post and this blog.

O captive daughter of Zion

Recorded recently in my journal:

“...I’ve been thinking a lot about the leaders in our stake and ward and the things I’ve heard and been told in relation to church attendance, or temple attendance. A common theme, I’ve realized, is the necessity of the church in providing what we need for salvation and the implication that it can’t come in other ways. When I told ___ and ___ a while back that I’ve at least been watching sacrament meeting on Zoom, they both said it’s not the same, implying that I need to be there in person with others to get the most out of it. They both said that this is the only way I can have the sacrament. ___ said in my 2-hour interview last August (2023) that the church is needed to provide opportunities to serve and sacrifice. He also said there are leaders that can reach our kids in ways that we might not be able to. Both ___ and ___ have either implied or said outright that there is spiritual power we can obtain in the temple that we can’t obtain outside. I remember believing that there would never be a time where I’d be closer to the Lord than on my mission. All of this has the same implied or explicit message that there are things we need for our progress and salvation that can only be found in the LDS church.

“...I wanted to continue, briefly, with what I was saying in my last entry. Because of this, we are held in bondage to our false religions. We become the ‘captives’ spoken of by Isaiah. This can be literal, in the sense of oppressive governments, as the children of Israel were in bondage in Egypt. But more generally, and more particularly, I think this would refer to being kept in spiritual bondage to false traditions and religions. Many would go out of the bondage of the false Mormonism of the LDS church. But, the LDS church tells its members ‘you need me.’ ‘Don’t you dare step outside of that old ship Zion, for you will only drown and perish.’ This is what I’m being told by ___ and ___ …”

Adding to my journal entry these words from Isaiah:

“Therefore, hear now this, thou afflicted, and drunken and not with wine. Thus saith thy Lord — the Lord and thy God pleadeth the cause of his people: Behold, I have taken out of thine hand the cup of trembling, the dregs of the cup of my fury; thou shalt no more drink it again. But I will put it into the hand of them that afflict thee, who have said to thy soul, Bow down that we may go over — and thou hast laid thy body as the ground and as the street to them that went over. Awake, awake, put on thy strength, O Zion. Put on thy beautiful garments, O Jerusalem, the holy city. For henceforth there shall no more come into thee the uncircumcised and the unclean. Shake thyself from the dust. Arise, sit down, O Jerusalem. Loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion.”

With righteousness shall he judge the poor

To someone close to me:

…I want to be honest and let you know there’s a good chance I won’t be inside the temple with you…. there is nothing in my life right now (or from decades past, for that matter) that I believe makes me unworthy before God.

But, it’s more than just my worthiness that I want you to know about. I want you to know that I believe firmly in the restored gospel, the Book of Mormon (and other scriptures from Joseph Smith), and that God called Joseph Smith to do a work. I believe his name has been had for good and evil, as the angel told him it would be, or in other words falsehoods have been spoken of him. The loss of Joseph Smith has been devastating, yet we have picked up the pieces and done the best we could under the circumstances. I consider myself as Mormon as the Mormoniest Mormon. But, what that means in my current worship looks different from others. And that difference is enough to keep me outside of the temple for now.

I was told I need to return to in-person church attendance and also have a calling to have my recommend renewed. For reasons still becoming clear to me, I feel the current arrangement is best for our family. The default, conventional “wisdom” in the church is we should always accept a calling. For the record, I haven’t actually had a calling extended to me that I had the opportunity to decline. But, if one were extended to me, I’d have to make it a matter of careful and thoughtful prayer. I don’t take it as given that what’s in the minds of our leaders is necessarily what’s in the mind and heart of the Lord for me. I don’t think anyone should ever take that as a given.

…I want the two of you to stand independent as the head of your family, without “...control or dominion or compulsion… in any degree of unrighteousness…” (D&C 121) from external influences, whether church, friends, or extended family. What that looks like for you … may be different from … me, and from other people…. I want the two of you to pursue your worship in exactly the way you feel led by the spirit, and not be influenced by me unless, of course, you ever hear something from me that rings true in your heart.

It might seem paradoxical, but I believe it’s possible for two people to both be following the spirit while outwardly pursuing worship in seemingly different ways. Fortunately, for my sake, “...the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) In other words, God can see two things that outwardly appear dissimilar and yet see they are either both worthy, or both unworthy. Likewise, He can see two things that outwardly appear the same, but know one is worthy and the other is not. This is what makes him God. When we meet the Lord, we will marvel over this aspect of Him, and perhaps even shrink as we acknowledge how very far we have been at times from his heart.

The following seems to speak of someone other than the Lord, but there can be no doubt the Lord himself is possessor of these attributes – and thanks be to God that He, and not man, is the judge of our hearts:

“And there shall come forth a rod out of the stem of Jesse, and a Branch shall grow out of his roots: And the spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord; And shall make him of quick understanding in the fear of the Lord: and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth: and he shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked. And righteousness shall be the girdle of his loins, and faithfulness the girdle of his reins.” (Isaiah 11:1-5)

…I believe the things we participate in and learn in the temple help point our minds to specific events and experiences in our life where the Lord touched us and captured our hearts. Initially it’s faint, but as we recognize that faint clasp, we begin to say within ourselves, I believe this came from God. So, we continue in the path, exercising faith, and experimenting on the things we have studied or been taught. As we persist in faith and “as the tree beginneth to grow“, we “nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up...” (Alma 32). The nature of our experiences with God becomes ever more sure. What was initially a light clasp becomes, in time, a firm grip and eventually an embrace through the veil.

This is how the Lord captures our hearts and redeems us or, in other words, brings us into his presence (Ether 3). This begins by entering into the path and obtaining the holy ghost, which will teach us all things and show us all things that we should do (2 Nep 32). This is “the doctrine of Christ, and there will be no more doctrine given until after he [the Lord] shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh. And when he shall manifest himself unto you in the flesh, the things which he shall say unto you shall ye observe to do.” This process was never intended to be mediated or controlled by men: “Behold, the way for man is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate; for he cannot be deceived, for the Lord God is his name.” (2 Nephi 9)

This church has provided me with my first lessons in spiritual things. God has made use of the ordinances of this church to help me in my spiritual journey. Through my mission and other means since then, the Lord has captured my heart. His Word is, in me, as the rod of iron leading to the tree of life where I have partaken, in some small measure, of the sweetness of His saving grace (1 Nephi 11). As the Lord promised the Samaritan woman, His word has been in me “...a well of water springing up into everlasting life.” (John 4:14) How can I ever abandon Him? I can’t. My heart is bound to Him. He’s done far too much for me. He’s been my light in the wilderness (1 Nephi 17:13-14).

You … are pursuing a good path. I love you both and pray for the spirit to continue to be with you and guide you. You have every reason to be optimistic about the future and your life together, as long as you stay close to the Lord and hear his voice.

Crumbs from the Master’s table, part 2

Someone asked: “If you could make the church true again, would you?“

This was my response:

“Like you, I’d never go back to that blissful ignorance, because I can see and feel in retrospect that it was not actually blissful. It was very hard spinning my wheels as I still held on to traditional, conventional, or orthodox thought of the LDS church. But like you, I still hold onto ‘heirlooms’ and ‘artifacts’ of that past life and I wonder why.

“When I go back through journals from my ‘blissful’ ignorance days, I feel a sadness hanging over it, sort of a darkness emanating from it. But, I don’t think that’s about the church, per se, so much as it’s just (I believe) the contrast I feel between the light I have now and the dim sparks I had then.

“I think we should honor and commemorate this, acknowledging how much God has done for us in helping us to progress from grace to grace, one small degree at a time. I think it might even be appropriate to hold onto certain key artifacts that represent to us key events in our journey toward greater light. I have many of these that coincide with specific experiences I had in the LDS church.

“The Lord is resourceful and has made use of my experiences in the church to move me through the stages of my progression. The Nephites held on to key artifacts (e.g. the sword of Laban, the Liahona, etc). The children of Israel held on to things that (as I understand it, although I could be wrong) were kept in the ark of the covenant. Perhaps this seems a poor comparison, given how many flaws and defects we see in the LDS church. But, I wholeheartedly believe the Lord has made use of small and simple means to help us in our progress even within a flawed institution.

“When we commemorate these, when we revisit them – our journals or other items – and we reflect on how they helped us, it serves as a witness before God and angels that we desire anything the Lord is willing to give us, even the crumbs that fall from the master’s table. When we do this, I feel certain it pleases God and he will pour out blessings without number and without price.”

Crumbs from the Master’s table

Most of what I write and post, I return to and read and reread. I’m continually reevaluating thoughts and ideas to decide if anything in my perspective has changed since I first wrote them. I find myself reading from the perspective of specific friends, family members, church acquaintances, and others. The result is that I’m ever mindful of how what I write might impact other people, for better or worse.

This has led me at times to make some public posts private until I’ve had more time to evaluate what I wrote. The following is something I originally posted in December of 2016, later made private, reposted in 2018, and again made private. Having recently returned to this post, I’ve decided to re-post. It was originally composed as a preface to what was already published on my blog between September and December of 2016. I’ve decided that nothing expressed in this has changed for me in the 7 years since I first posted it. It has, in this sense, been timeless for me and it’s as fresh and reflective of my mind as it was in 2016.

Note that some of the links in the text below are to posts I have made private. I’ll need more time to decide if I want to make them public. In some cases, the same material has essentially been covered in more recent posts and in a way that I feel better about.

Anyway, here’s what I wrote in December 2016:

It’s with a mixture of eagerness and resignation that I’ve written this blog. Eagerness, because my soul has been unsettled at not being able to express what I believe within the religious community I’ve grown up in. Resignation, because I know that a completely honest telling of what I believe and how I’ve arrived at it will likely be offensive to many active, faithful members of the LDS church. I believe in Mormonism, but not in the way it’s currently taught. This blog is an expression of what I personally believe. While the following statement (from 2016-09-13: Starting Point) falls short of explaining everything, it is at the heart of it:

I believe that God spoke to Joseph Smith and called him to an important work. This included, in part, translating the Book of Mormon, but it was meant to involve more than that. I believe he was taken prematurely and we’re left to cobble together the remnants of Mormonism that he left behind. I’m unsure that any of his successors, as good and sincere as they may have been, were up to the task. I believe he knew far more than he was able to convey to those that ultimately attempted to carry on what he was doing. He had more contact with heaven and saw further than any of his contemporaries. His death was a great loss. I think he spoke in the name of the Lord….

Regardless of what happens as a result of writing this blog, I would like to stay involved in the religious community I was raised in. I have no intention of sharing any of the out-of-mainstream aspects of this blog in Gospel doctrine class, priesthood quorum or talks or testimonies in sacrament meeting. Aside from the fact that I simply do not have the gall to broach touchy subjects in church, I don’t think it would accomplish anything worthwhile. There is far too much I have in common with my Mormon community to drive such wedges between us during our worship and fellowship services.

For an expression of my witness of the Book of Mormon, the divine calling of Joseph Smith and the manner in which the Lord is willing to communicate with us and be our light in the wilderness, see the following post: 2016-12-04: In that Bell. This is a summary of a recent lesson I gave in the high priests group in my ward. I was somewhat emotional as I shared my thoughts. I told the group that I had no explanation for why I was so emotional. In reality, though, I had to wonder if it had anything to do with concerns that making this blog public could impact my status in the church. In any case, I had a handful of people come and shake my hand afterward. One of them (one of my favorite people in the ward) said with a smile “I see a future general authority“. I assured him that I was not made for that sort of thing. Specifically, I said “I could never be a workhorse for the church.” We both had a good laugh about that. This person could not have known how much this reply was loaded with meaning beyond what I expressed in words.

I’m tired. I’m absolutely so tired in my soul. As I said in an email to a friend (see 2016-11-17: An Experiment) about a year and a half ago, “...Much of my experience as a member of the church has been uncomfortable...”. I don’t want to be a leader. I have no motivation whatsoever to be a superstar in the church (and trust me, I don’t have what it takes anyway). I don’t want to follow a regimented program. All I want is to take care of my family and gather together informally with friends and fellow ward members (or really, anyone with an interest) and talk freely and openly about what ails us. All I want is to talk about the Gospel and bear my own witness of a loving, patient and personal God. As I expressed in a Facebook group (see 2016-09-30: Living Water): “...I think the pearl of great price at the core of the Gospel and the plan of happiness is the promise of a personal relationship with God that is unencumbered by man’s innovations. There is One who is far more forgiving and patient and meek (than those we pledge our devotions to) that we should feel after and call upon and plead with to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. As we cleave to Him, then we increase in light and it’s his light that transforms us, not a mere man or institution…”.

I have my favorite General Conference talks just like anyone else (for a few off the top of my head, see for example Acquiring Spiritual Knowledge, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance, The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ—Plain and Precious Things, Good, Better, Best, Preparations for the Restoration and the Second Coming: “My Hand Shall Be over Thee”, The Healing Power of Forgiveness and Forgiveness). But I have no desire to talk about anyone but the Lord, who has always been good to me. As I said in a fairly recent fast and testimony meeting, there is no person that impresses and inspires me more that Jesus Christ. If you read nothing but one post on this blog, please read this one: 2016-12-11: The Lord’s Deliverance. I will be content.

If you have any interest to read further than that, I will attempt to provide here an overview of the blog. The first several posts provide some background about my “spiritual journey”. Having been quite diligent in recording events in my life, personal reflections, insights and impressions in journals and notebooks over the last 20 years and also having read and re-read many times through the things I’ve written, I feel like I’ve gotten a pretty good view of the “landscape” of this journey. And it’s clear to me that I’ve had three major “revolutions” in my religious belief (see 2016-09-14: Three Revolutions). The first was my mission from 1995 to 1997 (see 2016-09-15: Chambery) and the second was my graduate school experience from 2003 to 2009 (see 2016-09-16: Qualifying Exam, 2016-09-19: Wilderness, 2016-09-20: Sure Provisions and 2016-10-17: A Parable).

The third “revolution” in my religious views had its initiating event in April 2012. But foundations had been laid for it during graduate school, as described here: 2016-10-18: Vacuum of Understanding. This is where things became more complicated as it concerns my relationship with the tradition within which I was raised. While I wrote some preliminary thoughts in 2016-10-29: Third Revolution, the real substance of what happened from April to September 2012 is described in the following posts: 2016-10-29: New Light, 2016-10-30: True Messengers and 2016-10-30: Unlikely Teacher. Not long after, I had an interesting dream on January 8, 2013, the likes of which I haven’t had, either before or since. As I wrote in 2016-11-06: A Dream, “...I never have had this sort of a dream. Almost always my dreams are disorganized & disjointed with random scenes, whereas this one had a clear beginning, a clear end, a logical progression in between and seemed to be sober (not the right word, but can’t think of a better) with meaning & significance throughout...”. An interpretation is given in 2016-11-06: Our Condition and some related reflections on the LDS church can be found here: 2016-11-06: All is Well.

While this dream was not a basis for my changing views during this time, it did recast general impressions I was having into concrete symbols that added definition to what I felt like I was already starting to see. The basic elements of the dream provide a succinct description of how I’ve come to view the LDS church in its present state and our condition and circumstances as a people. Particularly noteworthy are (1) the old-style ballroom, (2) the connected, modern portion of the building that was completely incongruous in appearance and (3) the mournful, orphaned child. I’m increasingly convinced that the religion of Joseph Smith, represented by the old-style ballroom, did not survive the 30-year presidency of Brigham Young (see 2016-11-22: God’s Family). What we have inherited, represented by the modern portion of the building, is a derivative of what the church became during these 30 years following Joseph’s death. As for the orphaned child, refer to 2016-12-11: Nauvoo Failure and 2016-12-14: Orphans for a suggestion of what this might represent.

I try not to take myself too seriously. When I read the scriptures, I don’t do it to make me feel good about myself. I do it to learn what God is like, to learn something about what’s in his mind and heart, to see how he has intervened through the ages in the affairs of humankind. I read to learn something about what he aims to do in our day. This is what I care about. I am as the woman of Canaan who came to the Lord saying: “Have mercy on me, O Lord, thou Son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil.” The Lord, who said to his disciples “...I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel“, told the woman when she came and “...worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me“: “It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it to dogs.” And then the woman made this absolutely remarkable reply: “Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.” Then the Lord said: “O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.” (see Matthew 15:22-28)

My feeling is exactly the same as that expressed by this woman. I am satisfied to receive anything from the Lord, anything He will give me, even if it is only the crumbs which fall from the master’s table. I don’t need the scriptures to tell me I was destined for greatness. Elder Stevenson, in the October 2016 Saturday afternoon session of General Conference said the following, quoting from Mormon 8:

Interestingly, one of the Book of Mormon prophets, Moroni, saw our day – your day. He even saw you in vision many hundreds of years ago. Moroni wrote: “Behold, the Lord hath shown unto me great and marvelous things concerning that…day when these things…”, meaning the Book of Mormon, “…shall come forth among you. Behold, I speak unto you as if ye were present, and yet ye are not. But behold, Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing.“

I believe that Elder Stevenson is a good man and he spoke this from his heart. There was emotion in his voice as he quoted the last part: “Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing”. He intended it to be an expression of God’s love for us and evidence that the Lord has reserved us for this day to accomplish a great work for Him. But it seems to me that his sharing of this portion of Mormon 8 (considering what immediately follows the portion he quoted; see 2016-10-01: Context Matters) was inadvertently astute, even prophetic, in warning us about the follies of our people shown to Mormon and Moroni 1600 years ago. The Book of Mormon is not encouraging about the plight and failures that would be ours, meaning the “Gentiles” (see 2016-12-04: The Gentiles). Indeed, Nephi, Mormon and Moroni all saw our day and saw us as Elder Stevenson proclaimed. But they never mention our successes. They do not prophesy of a “one true” church or men in whom we could place our complete trust to never lead us astray and prevent our failure. Everything I’ve read in the Book of Mormon would suggest the opposite.

But none of this really matters at this point. We can look back on the last 170 years or so and see all of the evidence that we are a blessed and prosperous people continuing the work that the Lord began with Joseph Smith. In 2016-12-23: By their Fruits, I showed that we don’t even have to worry about the Lord’s warning about false prophets and his criterion for judging between true and false messengers (Matt. 7:15-20): “…Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.“

As I said in 2016-12-23: By their Fruits:

...a prophet in the LDS church is a prophet by virtue of the office that he holds and the sustaining vote of the members of the church. This essentially renders irrelevant what the Lord taught, at least in our dispensation. It also makes it impossible for the Lord to send a messenger from outside of the LDS hierarchy.

In the last several posts of this blog (as of the time of this writing), I have allowed myself to momentarily set aside many assumptions we have in the church and entertain the possibility that things are not so clear-cut. In 2016-12-24: Special Witnesses, I wrote:

The Lord came without credentials and without status or recognition based on worldly achievement. Prophets through the ages have come in the same manner. If it had been sufficient at the time of Christ to recognize a prophet or true messenger on the basis of their position in the church hierarchy of his day, he never would have given us a pattern for recognizing false prophets. I have chosen to resort to the pattern the Lord provided, rather than the pattern articulated by President Benson (see 2016-12-23: By their Fruits). The basis for my judgment includes the following: (1) the extent to which the writings or sermons of the individual reiterates and reinforces and expounds and explains previous revelation and scripture (as found in the Old and New Testaments, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price and teachings of Joseph Smith) and the extent to which this elaboration and expounding produces within my mind and spirit the effects that Alma described to the Zoramites (see Alma 32) and (2) the extent to which the individual can bear witness of the resurrected Lord on the basis of direct contact with Him and dreams or visions shown them as Nephi, for example, experienced (see 1 Nephi 11-15).

It is on this basis that I have written what I consider the culminating, central message of this blog described in the following posts:

• 2016-12-11: The Lord’s Deliverance
• 2016-12-14: Orphans
• 2016-12-17: Impossible Proposition
• 2016-12-18: Hand Outstretched Still
• 2016-12-19: Joseph’s Ruse
• 2016-12-23: By their Fruits
• 2016-12-24: Special Witnesses

In the last of these, from which I took the excerpt above, I also wrote the following:

Any fraud can come claiming he has seen or experienced some great thing. But if he comes with that claim, then he should be able to present to us the evidence and allow us to judge for ourselves whether these be the “fruits” of heaven or of hell. As to #1 listed above, I have already presented the following evidence upon which to base our judgment: 2016-10-30: Unlikely Teacher. As for #2 above, refer to the following posts: 2016-12-30: Gethsemane and 2016-12-30: The Resurrected Christ....

It seems to me that there are more and more people leaving the LDS church, believing that the whole thing has been a great deception. And I am slowly but surely resigning myself to the idea that there isn’t much we can do to turn the course of this river. However well-intentioned past and present leaders were/are, attempts at hiding history and presenting whitewashed, “palatable” versions of it have done irreversible damage. Now, if there is any truth to the claims of the LDS church, it is all just going out with the dirty bath water as people have become completely distrusting of the church and the men who lead it. In 2016-12-24: Special Witnesses, I wrote:

I lament how many people now leaving the church have finally concluded that the Book of Mormon is a work of fiction and Joseph Smith a fraud. I have to wonder if we did have leaders who had gazed into heaven as Joseph did, that they might have had the knowledge to expound upon the content of the Book of Mormon with power and sufficient persuasion to cause some of these people to reconsider their conclusions about this book. But alas, I have not seen this happen. As for me, despite my lack of understanding, my own study of the Book of Mormon convinced me that there was a greater message to be discovered and that finding it was only a matter of continuing my diligent study. Interestingly, this belief was vindicated not by the men who lead the LDS church, but by a man who came from outside of the hierarchy.

But it doesn’t matter. It’s time for me to get my Zen on and acquire a mind like water. I don’t control what I believe. I pursue truth and let things settle out the way they will. And I’ve come to consider a proposition (see 2016-12-17: Impossible Proposition) that is impossible to traditional and “transitioning” Mormons alike. But taking into consideration all things as to our history and also our scriptures, this is where I am right now.

Perspectives and priorities

As a preface to the following, I should say I’ve spent times on both sides of this ‘debate’. I’ve seen with different eyes at different periods in my life. In what follows, Perspective A comes from a talk in which the speaker challenges listeners to regularly (weekly) attend the temple. Perspective B comes from a voice in the back of my mind as I read.

Perspective A: One of three “great fallacies” heard about temple attendance is “...’There are seasons in life. When you have a young family, you shouldn’t even try to attend the temple once a week.’ Wrongo-bongo! There are no seasons in life when you should deprioritize temple attendance. In fact, during your most demanding seasons of life you can’t afford NOT to be in the temple once a week.”

Perspective B: Right before reading the above, after reading the recommendation to attend the temple weekly, the thought went through my mind: “Yeah, spend even less time with your family.” And a little before the recommendation about weekly attendance, I thought: “Why aren’t we encouraging families to make their own homes a place of learning and faith?” (Section 123:2-4 RE) Why can’t our own homes be places of reverent reflection? I don’t believe the solution is to spend even more time outside of the home. I think we should be finding quiet places and times in our own homes where we can ponder, pray, and have the spirit to teach us. I actually think such a recommendation could do more harm than good for young families, causing them to feel guilt about not attending regularly. I might even completely reverse this and say we can’t afford NOT to prioritize our families above all other things.

Perspective A: A second “great fallacy” heard about temple attendance is “...’I am too busy to attend the temple. I just can’t find a slot that works for me.’ Wrongobongo! Brothers and sisters, I totally know what busy feels like. For the last six years, there’s not a minute of my life that hasn’t been scheduled. Between a demanding job, a busy calling, and a growing family – I feel like I’m constantly on the go. But the secret to Consistency in temple attendance is blocking the same time every week and building your schedule around that block. For me, that’s the 6am session on Wednesday mornings. My whole week revolves around that session.”

Perspective B: This sounds like the classic “can’t be busier than me” argument. Many are overly busy because the church has convinced them that it (the church) is more important than family. If there’s not a minute of a person’s life that has not been scheduled, then I don’t think the answer is: “You guys should all be super busy like me too!” The answer should be: “Hmm, I’ve got to do something about the fact that I never have breathing time to slow down, reflect on my life, and heaven forbid spend a little extra time with my family.” The following offered “solution” is for a “problem” that actually shouldn’t be a problem in the first place: “…the secret to Consistency in temple attendance is blocking the same time every week and building your schedule around that block. For me, that’s the 6am session on Wednesday mornings….”

Perspective A: We can receive revelation about (1) the ordinances themselves (their meaning and symbolism), (2) our family, (3) our calling in the church, and (4) our work. Concerning the fourth one, it was said: “...I face many legal, moral, and business decisions that are beyond my limited capacity. And so, I take them to the Lord in the temple. And in the temple, He speaks to me. To be honest with you, a few years ago I would have never guessed that the God of the Universe cared at all about my job. But He has clear and definitive guidance for me on business models, product innovation, pricing, and marketing. He regularly shares His thoughts with me from 6-8am every Wednesday morning.”

Perspective B: Whenever I ask God for help on a work-related thing I’m struggling with, the only way I have ever found to ask in confidence and with faith that he’ll answer my prayers is to be entirely focused on the fact that if I don’t figure out how to solve the problem it’s going to mean work spilling over into time that my family needs me. If God can help me solve the problem, it means I can be more available to my family. It doesn’t mean: “Nice, I’m for sure going to be getting that promotion or bonus this year! …ahem, ummm, I mean won’t that be great to have a little bit more money so that my family and I don’t need to be so stressed about it?” And the following feels icky to me: “But He has clear and definitive guidance for me on business models, product innovation, pricing, and marketing.” It makes it sound like Jesus and Heavenly Father are just a couple more suits up in heaven who’ve got my back on this business deal, saying: “We’re killing it! Isn’t it great to be on the Lord’s side?“

Perspective A: In a separate talk by the same speaker the topic of sabbath day observance was discussed: “Question eight in the temple recommend interview gives us the ‘minimum bar’ for Sabbath observance: ‘Do you strive to keep the Sabbath day holy, both at home and at church; attend your meetings and prepare for and worthily partake of the sacrament?’ In my role as a judge and representative of God in that interview, I am instructed to ensure that on Sundays my members are at least attending sacrament meeting and partaking of the sacrament. But you should think of that as the minimum requirement to have a basic road back to the castle of the Great King.”

Perspective B: This might as well have been directed to me personally, since I have only been attending sacrament meeting via Zoom since early 2020. God knows my heart. He knows that I never cease waiting upon him to receive his word. The Lord said:

“If you love me, stand ready, watching for every communication I will send to you. Remember that I will ask the Father, and he will provide to you another Comforter, that he may be by your side endlessly. You will obtain the record of Heaven, the truth of all things which is denied to the world because the world refuses my Father, and therefore they do not know him. But you know him, for he is with you, and shall provide answers to guide you. I will not leave you comfortless. I will stand at your side also.

“...He that treasures my teachings, and stands ready, watching for every communication I send him, is he who shows love for me. To those who show love for me, my Father will show love to them, and I love all those, and I will personally minister to them.” (Testimony of St. John 10:11-12)

Regardless of where I am, whether in my field, or my house, or my closet, or my secret places, or my wilderness, whether for my flock, or my crops, or my household, whether morning, midday, or evening, I pour out my soul, I cry to the Lord, my heart is full, “drawn out in prayer unto him continually” for my welfare, and also for the welfare of those around me (Alma 16:35 RE). And I know he will hear my cry.

“Behold, I say unto you, do ye suppose that ye cannot worship God, save it be in your synagogues only? And moreover, I would ask, do ye suppose that ye must not worship God only once in a week?” (Alma 16:24 RE)

Sorrowing for the world

The latest song I’ve been listening to on repeat: Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers. Spotify told me at the end of 2023 that I’m a vampire and “when it comes to your listening, you like to embrace a little… darkness. You listen to emotional, atmospheric music more than most.” I’ve been trying to figure out if this is a good or bad thing.

More than anything else in this song, the following refrain hits me – not because I’m well acquainted with the feeling, but because I know there are many people who are: “Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time. And that’s just how I feel. Always have and I always will, I always have and always will.”

To some, it might seem irreverent to use ‘Jesus Christ’ as an exclamation in this way. But, I can’t help believing Jesus is someone who would not be offended by such a cry of anguish, even by someone who is an ‘unbeliever’. After all, he was “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief,” by far my preferred description of him (Isaiah 53:3). I believe he keenly felt and sorrowed for the sorrows of the world and he came to comfort and console.

I also want to feel the sorrows of the world and learn how to comfort and console. Maybe that’s why I tend to “embrace a little… darkness” in my choice of music and movies. As I’ve written elsewhere, I find in these things “...sparks of serious, poignant, touching, crushing, inspiring human experience. And I sit, like an idiot, holding back tears as I soak up these lessons and let these experiences, as a proxy, pass through me. And I’m coming to believe that I’m better for having had the ‘experience.’“

I hope people will listen to this beautiful and sad song. When there’s true connection between human beings, it becomes difficult to indulge in our own happiness and peace while we’re surrounded by people wondering if they’ll ever be able to find these things again.

I’m singin’ at a funeral tomorrow
For a kid a year older than me
And I’ve been talking to his dad, it makes me so sad
When I think too much about it, I can’t breathe
And I have this dream where I’m screamin’ underwater
While my friends are all waving from the shore
And I don’t need you to tell me what that means
I don’t believe in that stuff anymore

Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time
And that’s just how I feel
Always have and I always will
I always have and always will

I have a friend I call
When I’ve bored myself to tears
And we talk until we think we might just kill ourselves
But then we laugh until it disappears
And last night, I blacked out in my car
And I woke up in my childhood bed
Wishing I was someone else, feeling sorry for myself
When I remembered someone’s kid is dead

Jesus Christ, I’m so blue all the time
And that’s just how I feel
Always have and I always will
I always have and always will

And it’s 4AM again
And I’m doing nothing
Again

God’s sure word

Some thoughts about Lehi’s dream – 1 Nephi 8 – that I recently shared with a friend:

I love the idea that if we’ll enter in by the way and receive the holy ghost, it will show us all things that we should do (2 Nephi 32:5). The experience is between us and God without an intermediary.

One thing that’s been on my mind lately is that there were three ways that people came to the tree in the dream.

Path 1: Lehi, after trying unsuccessfully to come into the light by following the man in white, kneels and prays, the darkness disperses, and he sees and goes directly to the tree (1 Nephi 8:5-12).

Path 2: Lehi, having partaken of the fruit, wants to share it with his family. He casts his eyes about, sees Sariah, Nephi, and Sam and he calls to them in a loud voice. They respond to his entreaty and also come directly to the tree and partake of the fruit (1 Nephi 8:13-16).

Path 3: This is the path we talk most frequently about. This path corresponds to the doctrine of Christ, entering in through the narrow gate, receiving the holy ghost (2 Nephi 31:17-18), and feasting upon the words of Christ (2 Nephi 31:20), which guide us in all things (2 Nephi 32:3-5) until we come to the tree and partake of the fruit.

I’ve wondered why paths 1 and 2 were possible for Lehi, Sariah, Nephi, and Sam when I thought it was the doctrine of Christ (path 3) that was meant to lead us all to the tree.

Also, I just recently realized I had something backward in Lehi’s dream. I had always thought of there being a path, alongside which there was a rod. But, it’s presented the other way around. It’s the rod that’s important. That’s what Lehi mentions first, and then he says he saw a path that ran alongside the rod (1 Nephi 8:19-20).

It emphasizes to me that it’s the rod (Christ’s word or command, conveyed to us by the power of the holy ghost) that’s important. That’s what will bring us safely and inexorably to the tree. I think the worn path running alongside the rod is simply the consequence of repeated travel by many people who have heeded the voice of God and eventually come to the tree.

I think the religions of men, which have invariably failed us and failed to produce the genuine or natural fruit of the gospel, have been imitative of the outward rites or performances of true, saving religion. These counterfeit religions have seen only the worn path of past disciples and attempted to do the same without understanding that the real work of religion that saves is internal and has everything to do with the voice of God within us.

So, when the mists of darkness – or the deceptions of the world – come, adherents to these false religions inevitably wander off into forbidden paths that lead away from the tree of life (1 Nephi 8:21-23), because they are not hearing and heeding the voice of the true shepherd.

[Now adding some thoughts that I didn’t share in the original comment]

Interestingly, I just re-read 1 Nephi 8:21-23 and indeed, for this group of people, Lehi did not mention the rod at all. It says there were numberless concourses who sought the path. And it’s this group that are lost when the darkness comes.

This seems to confirm all the more that true, productive faith (which yields the natural, good fruit) comes by way of the voice of God within us, not by imitation of others. Here’s what it says in verses 21-23:

“And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which led unto the tree by which I stood. And it came to pass that they did come forth, and commence in the path which led to the tree. And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost.”

Becoming One, conclusion

Coming full circle back to the first post in this series, I want it to be clear that I do not want to tear down faith. I want to see it increase in the earth. But, faith cannot be based in falsehood. In 1972, the church broke new ground as it concerns keeping a history and, for the first time, hired a team of professional historians to write this history. Joseph Fielding Smith had served as church historian for about 50 years, but it was thought the quorum of the twelve and first presidency should be free to attend, primarily, to spiritual matters in the church.

Leonard Arrington served as church historian from 1972 to 1982 and wrote extensively concerning his experiences, as published in Confessions of a Mormon Historian: The Diaries of Leonard J. Arrington, 1971-1997. One of the first items of business in this capacity was to begin work on a comprehensive history of the church to be published in 1980 for the sesquicentennial (i.e. 150 year) anniversary of the organization of the LDS church.

However, it seems the church did not fully realize what they were getting themselves into. No one had delved so deeply into the church history archives and endeavored to publish a detailed history for public consumption. Throughout the process, there was disagreement between leaders of the church on how to treat the history. Some believed telling the full, uncensored history could challenge the faith of church members and that only selections of that history should be shared in a “faith-promoting” way.

Arrington wanted to tell the history objectively and completely as it really happened. There were some leaders who shared this perspective, but ultimately there seems to have been too much difficulty in coming to agreement on the matter. Note that I am still making my way through relevant portions of the three-volume diaries, but it doesn’t appear this sesquicentennial anniversary history was ever completed and published.

In 1982, Arrington was released as historian and the church transferred the history division to BYU and created the Joseph Fielding Smith Institute for Church History. Arrington was director of the institute until 1986. The church continued to grapple with the telling of its history, a struggle that seems to have come to a head in 1993 when it excommunicated or disfellowshipped six members of the church for publishing scholarly work that was considered critical of church doctrine or leaders. One of these members was Michael Quinn who had served as a research assistant for Arrington for 18 months.

As material related to the history of the church became more generally available via the internet in the 21st century, the church had to decide what they were going to do to manage and guide the narrative. If members were left to their own devices as they delved into or accidentally came across material about church history, what impact would that have on their faith as they tried to make sense of it? The path the church seems to have taken is one of transparency while proactively putting their own stakes in the ground on interpretation and narrative. We can find this in the Joseph Smith Papers project and the Gospel Topics essays.

As well-intentioned as this effort is (in the name of “preserving faith”), I think it is doomed to fail. Evidences of this can be found in the number of people leaving the church. If those who leave still retain a belief in God and pursue another religious denomination, then this is not such a loss. But, so many who leave abandon faith altogether. It seems some believe that if the “one true church” wasn’t true, then there is no truth anywhere.

I believe faith can be preserved with a proper telling of our history, interpreted in a broader light and not one that requires the current LDS church to be “true” or the current leaders of the church to be “rightful successors” to Joseph Smith, holding the same authority as him. In this series of posts, I have given my own perspective on what a proper telling of our history looks like. It preserves faith, because the Book of Mormon and our other scriptures are still true. Joseph Smith is still a true prophet. And God still speaks to us through the power of the holy ghost, which will show us all things that we should do (2 Nephi 32:3-5) and by which we may know the truth of all things (Moroni 10:5).

I want to conclude by resharing what I already published in 2023-08-16: The mournful child (see also Confirming Our Hope).

About 10 years ago, in January, I had this really interesting dream. I’ve never had one like it before or since. I was inside a modern-looking building that was bustling with people, mostly well-to-do. Amidst the crowd, I came across a mournful boy, maybe 8-10 years old, sitting on the floor. The crowd paid no attention to him and he was in the company of an elderly man that was sitting next to him on a chair.

I also came across an old, dusty room that was attached to the building, but no one was going in or out. It seemed abandoned and the crowd paid no attention to it, as they paid no attention to the mournful boy or the elderly man. Eventually some time passed, and the building had cleared out. I was still inside the building and I came across the same boy as earlier, but this time he was a teenager, maybe 17-18 years old. While I no longer saw overt sadness in him, I could also tell that his former innocence as to things of the world was gone. He seemed somewhat bitter and disillusioned.

I think this was more than some random, senseless dream. I think the old dusty room that everyone ignored represents the unfinished work that Joseph Smith accomplished. The larger, more modern part of the building (the style of which in no way resembled the old room) is what became of the church after Joseph. This is what we inherited from Brigham Young.

The bustling people are members of the modern-day LDS church who are largely too busy and distracted (kept busy by endless obligations to the church, sometimes at the expense of their own family) to notice the mournful boy on the floor and the elderly man.

I feel like the boy is representative of the humble followers of Christ who yearn to be close to the Lord. And the mourning of the boy is the lack they feel in their religion. The elderly man, I think, is representative of the Lord who was ever present with the boy to comfort him. The people bustling about didn’t seem to notice him or the boy.

Then, there’s the last part of my dream, which feels a lot like the condition of the church right now, or the condition we’re tending toward. The building was vacated. It kind of felt like it does at church after most people have gone home after our meetings. This vacated feeling reminds me increasingly of the many people who are leaving the church. Having not been filled spiritually and not felt a connection to the Lord, they’ve given up and left.

At the end, there was just that boy (and some of his friends) who were lingering. They seemed like stereotypical, cynical teenagers. However, the boy I had seen when he was 8-10 years old only seemed cynical on the surface. Deep down, I felt like he still longed to have the relationship he’d had previously with the church or the Lord. But, he no longer knew where to find it or if it had even ever existed in the first place. I think there are a lot of people like this who are still yearning for what they used to have.

The work God was sowing through Joseph Smith’s efforts had as one of its aims that “faith… might increase in the earth.” (D&C 1.21) The object of our faith cannot be men or prophets who stand at the gate in place of the True Shepherd (2 Nephi 9.41) and say: “Hearken unto us, and hear ye our precept; for behold there is no God today, for the Lord and the Redeemer hath done his work, and he hath given his power unto men….” (2 Nephi 28.5)

Knowing that Joseph Smith was not the original architect of Brigham’s kingdom and that the Book of Mormon contains a genuine message from God would restore hope in the possibility (for those who still long for it) of having a direct relationship with God that’s unencumbered and unimpeded by those we praise with hushed, awe-filled voices.